I miss my Dad...

I miss my Dad.  My Dad passed on May 2, 2010 --- ugh, it hurts just to write that - and I don't know that I've really dealt with it yet.  Life has been so crazy since the day of his "stroke" - he had an AVM burst which means stroke - on March 13 and I got that horrible call from my Mom.  I had always had this strange feeling that I'd get a call like that about my Dad but I always said he's be at least 90 before then, all his siblings lived to be over 84 and he was the healthiest of the bunch.  Heck his Mom lived to be 92!  My Dad was my hero, my best friend, the person I turned to when I needed to be weak, when I needed advice, when I needed to vent, when I needed to cry, when I needed advice - to sum it up he was my everything.  My Dad and I had a relationship like no one else, we had so much fun together, we leaned on each other, probably more than a parent and child should, but he was me and I was him.  I always promised him I would take care of things when something happened to him, I feel like I have let him down.  I've taken care of my mother, I took care of his arrangements and making sure everything was done the way he wanted, but when he got sick I wasn't able to make sure he was cared for the way he wanted, that decisions made where the ones he wanted.  I wasn't able to speak over my siblings and say, "I know what he wanted, I talked to him about these things, he chose me as his proxy after Mom and she's not capable and I should be making the decisions and I should be talking to the doctors.  I have the most experience with doctors and making medical decisions, I have a child with a brain tumor and a medical disorder, I do this all the time"  but I couldn't do it, I couldn't get them to see me as the person I am, they just saw me as a "know it all", someone who was trying to take over.  It's funny  where were they all before and were are they now?  No where to be found, it has always been my parents and I until something happens then they all come running and take over - yeah it's great being the youngest.  I have so much guilt with my Dad - I keep asking, would he be alive today had different decisions been made, would he have suffered less if I opened my mouth sooner.  I'm not quite sure how to go on and live with this guilt.  I have no one to talk to, the one who would understand and would help me is gone.  I love my husband but he doesn't understand me or how I feel.  I just miss my Dad.....